Just Can't Understand . . .

Today I’m struck by something that should have never happened . . . I'm referring to the mass murder at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia.

First let me say that nothing enters into the feelings of remorse and pain I feel for the people involved: not politics, not where each person was from, not their age, not their gender, not their race, not their religious beliefs, not their sexuality, not their past, not their present, not the length of their nails, not the number of piercings they have, not the color of their hair, not their beliefs, not their shoe size, not any quality about the person. I don’t really care who they are, for they have experienced something that no person on this earth should have to endure.

For the people who have lost loved-ones or friends in this travesty, I pray for you. I hurt for you. I mourn for your loss. I so wish the world was different for you. I am disappointed that God didn’t see fit for me to have the ability to turn back the clock for you. I feel all these things, even though I know that my feeling these things will very likely not help any of you get through the ordeal you are now faced with. And for this I’m deeply, deeply sorry.

What I don’t understand about this gross excuse for a news-worthy event is where this type of hatred and disdain comes from. Sure I’ve been hurt in the past and sure I have fantasized about doing dastardly things to others (who hasn't?), but my sensibilities have always intervened. I have always fallen back on the thought of ‘What if someone did something like that to me?’ The result was always a turn toward looking to a better day. What in the world could have gone so wrong for a person that decides to be judge and jury for those he knows nothing about?

I have no doubt that the sick person that did this to 30+ people was mentally unstable. The result speaks to this conclusion. I also wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he was receiving no treatment for such an illness. Even when someone is skeptical of psychotherapy they benefit from having a person to talk with. Was it a lack of public funds that may have contributed to such a breakdown? Were there no mental health practitioners that were willing to make the difficult diagnosis for this person? Surely, something has gone amiss and we as a society are not powerless to prevent something like this in the future.

Why are we not powerless? Only because we can advocate for greater mental health availability for the poor. Only because we can help break up the stigma that is associated with the term “mental illness.” Only because we can help others not feel ashamed of seeking help through the use of psychologists and psychiatrists. Only because you can contact our legislators in support of making mental health assistance a priority. Only because we can each be willing to be an open ear to those around you. You might find that many of us can benefit from discussing our problems and perceptions with a professional. We have every opportunity to make a difference, but few of us will ever take the initiative.

How utterly sad it is that it takes an event like this one to propel some of us to action. I know that these words will likely make no difference, partially because this horrible event will, at best, only move 1/100,000th of 1% of the population to take some form of action. But . . . if one person reads this and does decide to do something to advocate for better mental health for our society, then it was worth the effort to write it!

May tomorrow bring a better day for all of us.

Copyright JGR 2007, All rights reserved.

American Idol Revisited

Hi Folks:

After a discussion last night with a dear friend about my initial blog entry, I have realized that the intent of my first entry may be misconstrued. Please read further for more clarification.

During my discussion I realized some of what I wrote earlier might seem overly harsh or punitive. This was not the intent.

My first goal was to communicate that people that have a dream of performing live for millions should have loving, nurturing advocates coaching them. Further these advocates should be setting the correct expectation for those trying to live their dream. Critiquing people in the manner Mr. Cowell does is one thing; a thing that I do not believe is a nurturing act. Those who are acting as advocates for their performers should take great pains to ensure their performer knows exactly what to expect when they enter the realm of performance competition. The coach/advocate should encourage them to reach for their goal; to strive to find their best voice. However, they should also be perfectly clear that this must be done over a period of time.

For the performer, learning and practice must occur and feedback must be given and truly internalized by the performer before they should believe they can do more than become fodder for a demeaning TV appearance. The advocate or coach should have the fortitude to tell the performer that their performance isn’t up to snuff, if this is indeed true. This would be doubly true when the performer is going to be compared to the best of more than 100,000 other performers.

It is true that a person may only want to appear on national TV, to have their 15 minutes of fame, if you will. If this is the performer’s sole reason for auditioning, then so be it. They have all the power in the world to audition. This doesn’t bother me at all.

However, when someone who clearly couldn’t make it past the first American Idol audition shows their complete disappointment and in some cases their complete and utter dismay when the judges provide a triple “No” assessment, I’m completely inclined to blame the people around them for setting them up for failure. Someone close to these dumbstruck people should have said “You are good, but I’m not sure your voice and stage presence is at the level needed to get past the first American Idol audition.” To me, staying silent when you know a person is going to get hurt is like saying: “Even though there are 99 out of 100 chambers that have a bullet, I think you should go ahead and try to beat the odds” when a person has a revolver pointed to their temple! Yes, they might beat the odds, but the result of not doing so can be catastrophic and the odds of a catastrophe are too high to hope the good outcome will occur. Why are we unable to competently help when providing the help simply requires we tell the truth in a loving and gentle way?

As children, we learned much from our parents or guardians by being told “No!” Many times we just accepted that our parents or guardians were looking out for our best interests. Other times this caused a big fit on our part, but we eventually understood that we had to abide by the restrictions of a wiser person. I can remember some of my fits from my younger years, which is why I’m convinced patience is one of the paramount requirements for raising a child. Many times we, as children, didn’t like these restrictions but we did acquiesce. Now remember, during our younger ages this corrective instruction was done in a very direct and over-bearing way. True. Love was generally the driver behind the admonition, but their stern direction was not cushioned by insulative words. As we grew, our parents or guardians realized that our higher cognitive functions were starting to develop and the softening words entered their admonitions more and more. When we reached adulthood many folks, including our parents or guardians, began to approach us as someone of equivalent emotional intelligence. This sequence describes how nurturing and loving protection occurred for many people in the first 16-25 years of their lives.

Sadly, I believe many of the examples we see of people who appear completely crushed when they fail to make it past audition #1 on American Idol have not had someone in their lives to help guide them to a proficient and skilled performance. To help someone develop into a brilliant performer, one has to give the performer true, actionable and nurturing guidance. One must tell the performer that learning and improvement never stop; that there is always one level higher that we must continue to strive for. This type of coach or advocate is what I believe is completely lacking for these crushed performers.

What is even more disturbing . . . I believe many are being guided by people that are doing the opposite of what I just said is needed. Over-sheltering a person or glossing-over a person’s development needs does them a disservice. When a person truly needs improvement but is told; “You are special! You are fantastic! I can’t imagine it being any better!” they are being set up for assured failure and disappointment. Why is this the case you ask? Simply because this well-meaning person has taken away the opportunity for the performer to learn or improve. Not only does this hurt the performer, but the over protective person suffers too. Imagine the performer finally meets someone that does give them honest and nurturing feedback, where do you think the performer’s trust level with the over protective person goes? If you guessed down the tubes, you are right.

Come on people! Let’s stop coddling our children and relatives that want to excel at an art or a sport. Let’s love them and provide them the right words to allow them to realize we would like them to reach their highest level of success, but let’s also let them know that it is a very rare thing to become a world-renown icon. Before you let your child audition for a play or for a musical competition, you must tell them that you truly hope they win. But this statement must be immediately followed up with something like: “As I have said, I hope you win. But please don’t think that winning this competition determines your value or determines the amount I love you. Judges are wrong all of the time and some are just plain prejudiced. Remember, we all have good days and we all have bad days. Let’s hope you get to have a good day during your competition and let’s hope the judges treat you fairly!”

Copyright JGR 2007, All rights reserved.