Driven to Support!

Within the last month, a new discovery has been made in the field of driver safety. After exhaustive research and the analysis of mounds of empirical data, it has been determined that the driver of a vehicle can be negatively affected when an external magnetic field enters the space immediately surrounding the driver’s vehicle.

Like many in the USA I drive to work during the morning rush, which I consider to be between 7:00am and 9:00am local time. It was during this time that I experienced, through observation, the erratic behavior that has led to my conclusion. Many would look at what I do for a living and wonder to themselves: “What credentials does this guy have for making such a grandiose supposition?” I can easily explain this away with the knowledge I have of drivers from around the world. I have driven in the majority of the states in the USA and I have driven in Paris, France, while living there for a period of six months in 2000. In addition to these, I have driven in New York, NY, Washington, DC, Antwerp, Belgium, Geneva, Switzerland, Venice and Florence, Italy, Amsterdam, Netherlands and many other cities around the world. I have been in the working world for more than 20 years and have commuted to the workplace for every job I have held. Just having the experience of driving in Paris, France for six months is enough to provide me with credible commuting analysis skills!

Knowing that magnetic fields can affect the drivers of a vehicle isn’t really sufficient. Consequently, I am making it my personal goal to communicate this finding to as many people as I can. The safety of every man, woman and child riding in a vehicle is at stake and I cannot morally stand by and allow thousands to be maimed or killed by this wonton disregard of a threat to public safety! Please, read further if you wish to help me in this call to arms.

What is this phenomenon that I’m talking about? It is simply that the application of magnetic icons on a vehicle contributes to the impairment of the driver’s abilities. After taking note of and examining vehicles in my area that have had magnetic icons applied to the exterior of the vehicle, I have determined a correlation between driving skills and the existence of magnetic icons on the exterior of the vehicle. It was only when I came to this realization that I felt compelled to help save as many as I could from the grief that this scenario will create.

I have determined that the degree to which the driver’s abilities are impaired is directly proportional to the number of magnetic icons attached to the vehicles exterior. Let me provide you a few examples.

First let’s discuss the family minivan that has 14 magnetic ribbons showing support for everything from AIDS in Africa to POW/MIAs and soldiers in Iraq. I’m convinced these people show their support this way because of the large canvas provided by the lower portion of a minivan’s back hatch. While having a good heart and showing support for these causes isn’t something I have issue with, actually it is something I am happy for, the vast change in the vehicle’s magnetic field causes erratic behavior in the driver’s seat. This is evidenced by the vehicles inability to stay properly in one lane, the lack of a turn signal when the use of one would be advised, the inability for the vehicle to stay at one constant speed and the general lack of purpose with which the driver drives. Not only does the application of multiple magnetic ribbons affect the driver’s abilities, but the magnetic field it creates at the rear of the vehicle increases the chances of another car being drawn to the rear bumper of the minivan. One must be ever-vigilant for these vehicles and one must realize the effects of these magnetic ribbons are multiplied when accompanied by a less than pristine exterior and when displayed with a “God is my co-pilot” bumper sticker! Let’s hope that God is in the passenger seat, for the driver and passengers may get to meet their maker far earlier than they thought, thanks to the fervency of their support for these “ribboned” groups!

Our next example is the one ribbon person. The driver who displays one ribbon will usually exhibit normal driving skills, though they may sometimes be forgetful. Their forgetfulness is noticed when they leave the little “heart” center of their ribbon in its place, making the display look like a glob with two tails rather than an elegantly folded over ribbon. The added magnetic field created by the un-removed center of the ribbon usually isn’t a problem and generally does not contribute to decreased driving ability. However, when the center of the ribbon, the ribbon itself and another magnetic device is applied to the vehicle, one can see a decrease in driver perception and in the driver’s care for those around them. Some studies have suggested the addition of the extra magnetic article in conjunction with the center of the ribbon is just enough to begin the degradation of the driver’s abilities. If the center of the ribbon had not been left on, the threshold of magnetic distortion required to affect driver competency is, in some cases, not reached. Therefore it is always recommended that one use the center of the ribbon elsewhere, like on a refrigerator, cash register or even little Billy’s Radio Flyer.

The final example we will discuss is the vehement, red-neck sports fan. You know these folks by the large magnetic appliqué’s that grace the sides of their truck. Sometimes these vehicles will be held together with wire and duct tape and many will be spattered down the side with tobacco juice, letting you know a spit-cup is not the preferred mode of expulsion. Nearly 30% of the time the vehicle will have a gun rack on it with at least one gun being displayed. 10% of the time these vehicles will have tires that are bigger than a BMW Mini. Nearly all of these vehicles will have at least one beer can in the truck bed. What makes these drivers particularly dangerous is they generally start out with a lesser degree of driving skill, but only because they believe they will roll over anything that gets in their way. Add to this attitude the effects of such large magnetic items that purport “Superbowl Champions” or “My team can kick your teams butt!” and we are asking for a disaster to happen. You can tell that you are near one of these behemoths when you hear the clear “buzz” of all-terrain truck tires approaching. If you are stopped at a light and you can clearly see the drive-shaft of the truck next to you, you are in the presence of one of these trucks. Now all you must do is check the doors to see if they have taken on the added risk of sports team fanaticism. If they have, please provide this vehicle with a wide berth and a great deal of latitude in controlling the traffic in front of you. Be especially wary if you notice a great deal of mud caked on the underside of the vehicle. This means the owner is not used to driving on hard surfaces and should be treated with kid gloves by those who are drivers of a different class. Do not underestimate the possibility of total disregard for normal traffic laws when near one of these vehicles. Turn signals are usually not used, either because they don’t work or because the owner of the vehicle feels that they are big enough to get away with anything, including turning right from the left hand turn lane. Protect yourself! Let these folks get away from you!

All-in-all, the ribbons being displayed are in support of groups that need the support, so I don’t doubt that the intentions of the supporters are holistic and real. Even in the case of sports team fanaticism, I don’t question whether the person really is a fan of the team. It is within this bizarre correlation between magnetics and how these drivers act that I find I am befuddled. With this in mind, I humbly suggest that we adopt a new mantra for showing our support of different groups. This is why I say “Magnetics in moderation! Apply responsibly!”

Copyright JGR 2007, All rights reserved.